HUSH
Should standing in-between alienate me from both sides, that is a consequence I can deal with, the cost of being me. It is not a matter of playing safe. I only do what I feel (when thinking fails me) is right at the moment. I couldn’t tell how many relationships I jeopardized in following my inner voice. I tend to follow my gut instead of my mind. I am not always right. No matter, it is me I follow. It is me I blame, no one else.
There are unspoken rules in any relationship, personal and otherwise. When the five-plus senses aren’t wide open, you will not be able to “read” what those rules are… just as you would not “see” respect, and faith.
I am faithful to the things I am passionate about. I have high respect to the human beings involved in these things. Their imperfections and human frailties included, so are mine. It will keep us from so much resentments, should we admit others’, and our own, errors and human failings. This is probably the reason that my dear friend did not bite my head off after I put our friendship on the line. He sees me as me — the good and bad, flawed, independent, being a human first before being a friend. He recognized it, knew the unspoken rules.
I detest arguments, the antithesis of peace. I keep as far away from it as possible. When rules are being violated, with me on the losing end, I speak my mind once or twice. If unheard, and old unfavorable situations go on, I resort to negative defiance — silence. I am heard in my silence. The times I am unheard, I simply walk away. When walking away is impossible and further provocation ensues, I hold on to patience until it wears so thin it snaps, I explode.
I was trained on negative defiance while growing up until I became an expert on it in my second decade of existence. In this state, silence would give the other the strong feeling that he had ceased to exist, now merely a poop in my eyes. Silence really does get on the opponent’s nerves… If nothing is resolved after this, I walk away and remain forever silent. There is power in silence.
It dawned on me that I am secure in myself as much as I am secure in my friendship that I did what I did. My friend accepts me as I am. He doesn’t clip my wings but let me fly, knowing that when I break them, I will figure out just how to mend them. Respect –more moving than any other. My respect for my friend has escalated to the highest level. Dear one hushed my fears.
