Leaving A Trail

There are times when an apparent act of cruelty is really an attempt at kindness.  You only have somebody’s best interests at heart, her happiness in mind, that you choose to let her go even when doing so would hurt her… and you, so much more.  Sacrifice…  how many in the male — and female — specie are willing to give up their own joy for the sake of their loved one.  Selfless and selfish — how can you tell the difference?  Which do you prefer — a selfless heart-breaker or a selfish ego-boosting partner?

The heart-breaker weighs way, way heavier on my scale. I’d take him back anytime in my life… or even pursue him till the  end of forever (though I wonder where or when could forever be :-D)… No, until I know my presence is wanted…  Otherwise I’d have no qualms about keeping my distance for good.

An ego-booster would target your psyche, giving you sweet nothings and empty words; telling you he’ll wait for you till the end of time… while he plays with other women and assuring you each time, “it’s only play, a fling, no commitment, dear.”  Then he gives you a “free pass” to play, cheat, and call that a compromise.  Fair enough?  “oh, shoot, dear!”, you agreed.  But you know that he knows your idea of “play” is not the same as his.  You were given the “free pass” to appease your hurt feelings, and the promise of “waiting” to soothe your bruised ego.  Sweet, thoughtful, ass-kissing-ego-blowing mackerel!!!  Can you take that?  Yes?!  Idiot!  :-D  Oh, I did put up with that.  :-D  :-D  :-D  That makes two of us.  Idiot me and you settling as a spare tire.  :-D   Martyrdom’s not acknowledged in this society, you better kick the selfish womanizer’s butt, girl!  I know, I know, it’s not easy.  You’ve been hooked on a feeling that you’re in-love with him despite his lusting after other creatures in skirt.

Hooked, my foot!  It’s just a a state of the mind.  What do people do when they’re hooked?  They keep going back to the object of addiction, the object of their heart’s desire, no matter how it hurts.  Heart’s desire… are you sure it really is your heart you’re hearing or it’s just your mind chattering?  Is it a broken heart or just a bruised ego you’re plagued with now?  You get to find it out at the end of it all.  Whatever pleases you, whatever gives you a kick — like blow money on overseas calls — do it.  In the end, it’s all worth it.  You’ll get your answers eventually… after you get sick of doing the same thing over and over and over again.  You’ll get over your love addiction, believe me, L.A.! 

If you’re lucky, someone will come along to knock you out of your unconsciousness.  (Yup, you’re unconscious going through your addiction.  No conscious being is unhappy.  You’re unhappy loving one worthless being, you must be unconscious. )   Though you hide and keep as far away as possible from the male specie, “the one” would come knockin’ at your love-proof door.  You soon find out you’re not immune.  Your heart kicks harder than before, sings so much in tune with the universe than ever before, beats way faster than never before.  You become conscious of where you are, what you do, how you love-live-laugh-and-be-mad.  You become so much alive.  You have something wonderful to always look forward to each day.  It fills you with awe.  It makes you be you, just you, the real, unedited you… unmasked.  It gives you something to smile about every nanosecond.  The joy of it all… of having somebody call you “baby”… when before you haven’t heard that soothing, uplifting music. 

Baby… the word’s a caress… a warm hug… the same feeling it gives you at the sight of a baby.

Two weeks ago I had the utmost pleasure of holding my newborn niece on her first hour into the world.  The nurse thrust her at me, my heart was in my throat the moment she opened her eyes and stared blankly at me.  Aaah, that moment!  What’s with a baby?  It makes me want to weep in joy holding the little bundle in my arms.  It’s overwhelming.  A little baby just tugs at your heart.

Being addressed as “baby” tugs at my heart.

Then the one who calls you “baby” left as fast as he came.  You die a thousand deaths.  But then you rise again.  What you first thought as cruelty turned out an act of kindness.  You know the reason, that’s enough, no explanation’s even needed.  Whatever happened, you believe it’s just nature’s way of nudging you toward what is right and real… and away from superficial — the womanizing-ego-booster love addiction.

You found your answers the painful way… the perfect way.

I wouldn’t change it any other way.  It’s all been due to a baby, anyway…  Who on earth can ever resist a baby? 

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 6th, 2008 at 12:08 am Filed under Relationships and. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.