Leaving A Trail

The Metro Manila traffic enforcers. Kahit saan kahit kailan, ang dami nila… may mga crooks and crocs. Ma pa chocolate boys, ma pa yellow boys. (BTW, meron din naman straight enforcers. Ilan-ilan nga lang.)

Everyday, as I sip coffee and look by the window from where I work, I get to see the pack dishing out the venom. Instead of really patrolling the streets, straighten up the traffic and bring order, these traffic enforcers bring absolutely fuckin’ disorder. Gone are the days, that these traffic enforcers help out the elderlies in crossing the streets. Yun and nasa textbook ko nung araw eh.

I’d like to pity these guys, the society and the living conditions forced them to do this but I have been a victim of hulidap far too many times, so screw you guys. Katuwaan lang ‘to, let me post the Anatomy Of A Hulidap.

Their favorite target here in Metro Manila — the scooters and the bikes.

STEP 1: Flag the bikers. The more catch, the bigger the bellies they’ll have. Note that, during lunchtime and end of shift, these are the times when they are really pain in the arse.

STEP 2: Drag the poor bikers to where they are not visible to the public (or so these aides think). Like in the illustration, inside the inner streets, beside the building. Then give them the ticket. Oh wait, no ticketing is done, but a lot of negotiations. See the bunch of clowns? Already three of them packed in one area (that’s not allowed as per law) and another 2 traffic men across the street watching the “proceedings.” That’s 5 effing crew in one area. Talk about overkill.

STEP 3: Go on, negotiate some more. The option — Get the license at city hall or LTO in QC, pay P500 there, go to a refresher seminar OR pay it, right here, right now? Deal or no deal? Biker scratches his head.

STEP 4: After making a fair deal, the biker can actually get the license or the registration back right there, “on-the-road-redemption.” See, look ma, the “taxman” inserts the friggin’ fee in his shirt/belly.

STEP 5: After the payment is done, traffic aide gets the license/CR from his fellow aide across the street so he can give it back to the bikers. Note that, in this case, 2 bikers were apprehended. So the deal took a little more time than usual.

By the way, that’s usually how it goes pag hulidap, one will flag you, as the ticketing or negotiations or argument is on, another traffic aide will come by and back up his mate just to make sure they get what they want. Be it them successfully giving you a ticket OR them getting paid.

STEP 6: The biker gets back his license. Easy.

STEP 7: The traffic aide says bye and thanks. The biker at the bottom of the pic says thank you (actually means ‘eff you, you effin’ croc) in return.

STEP 8: And they go on different ways. For the bikers, they’re happy to get by these set. Not knowing that, some kilometers away, ganun ulit, another pack of wolves awaits them. For this traffic aide who got paid, it means Jollibee number 6 time!