Leaving A Trail

When my brother Abe first revealed to me how he truly longs for our mom, I was surprised.  After all the years of seeming indifferent about her absence, my brother’s finally shown his most sensitive core — his need for Mom.  Only then did I realize I wasn’t alone feeling a big hole in my heart since Mom left 29 years back.  Now in our adult world, we still haven’t shaken up the need for our mother.  We’ll never outgrow that need but gone is that big-hole-in-the-heart feeling since we’ve finally reconnected and re-established the ties.  With Mom’s homecoming last March, a huge lot of healing had taken place.  We’re like big kids just wanting to be reassured we’re still loved by our mother.  My eldest brother in Korea and I may not have been a part of the recent re-union but we’re very much there.  Aaah, the power of new technology!  We chatted with Mom online while we see her on the web-cam munching on “suman” (making us salivate), having the time of her life, giggling, and laughing her heart out.  She’s never sounded as perky and energetic, whenever I talked with her on the phone in Los Angeles, as when she’s back home in the Philippines.  The joy, the peace, the love I feel is just beyond words.  I feel fulfilled and accomplished seeing Mom happily home for even just a short while.  Now, Mom’s talking about next year’s re-union.  Cool, she’s going to pay for my air ticket this time!  I just can’t wait.

Sons rarely talk about their deepest longing to be with their mothers but when they do, it surely clutches the heart.  There’s always a big lump in my throat whenever my son Jus sends me a text message saying how much he misses me.  I listen in awe and admiration as the man closest to my heart speaks so fondly of and expresses his need for his mother.  I laughed my heart out when my 42-year old cousin Ariel, in bed with the flu, was moaning in discomfort and calling out, “Mamang… hu, hu, hu… mamang,” for his mother.  My brother’s recollection of how Mom wraps her dress around our pillows, whenever she’s away when we were kids, brought tears to my eyes.  These are the men every mother would be very proud to have.  Men who are unafraid to show their soft side, shouting to the world their need and love for their mothers… the most caring men I know of.

Expressed and unexpressed, from the times of incesssant talk of longing to be with her to a period of utter silence on my part, Mom hears me.  Sometimes we need no words to communicate our feelings, we need not say sorry to be forgiven, our mother simply knows what’s inside of us.  It’s this security in Mom’s love that makes me feel secure in my current relationships.  I no longer have to always doubt myself.  I bear no worries in wearing my heart on my sleeves, being transparent in my wants and needs and believing that whatever comes from all these I lose nothing and gain only the joy of the experience despite the silly pain that goes with it.  I can always run to Mommy for a hug… in my mind’s eye…

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 14th, 2009 at 8:52 pm Filed under Journey, Relationships and tagged Family Relationship, mother's love, security. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.