Losing two people in less than a week, whom I deeply care about, is more than too much to cope with. One just faded away, the other one almost “expired” (but Fate decided it isn’t his “expiration date” yet ;-)).
I have the tendency to drop all contact when I’m in a black mood. Zoning out is an automatic response when negative emotions overwhelm me. I totally clam up and shut down. Only quite a few can actually penetrate my wall. Oftentimes there’s nobody I want in at all. My personal space sealed off from any outside interferences. I’d be totally sapped out of energy to talk. It’s a horrible black hole which I intend not to drag another soul into. I simply want to be left alone, undisturbed. It is at moments like this that I consider not the feelings of the people close to me but only my own. I’m self-absorbed. Moments would pass and I’d realize I wounded others by my utter silence…
Being now on the receiving end of the black episode by a loved one makes me entirely realize the full extent of the effect isolating one’s self creates. It could damage relationships. It is confusing and hurts like hell when a buddy just pulls away. You’re left wondering what you’ve done terribly wrong. It cuts. You get mad and strike back — cut the ties, dissociate yourself, or worse, you lash out. It is only when you take the risk to reach out, make an effort to find out why the buddy-who-just-faded-away acted the way he did, will understanding and peace come. It will then be easier to give that certain someone the personal space he desperately needs… the personal space you too often desperately need. You’ve worn a similar shoe after all.
Taking one’s own life, kicking your dear one’s butt (before he has the chance to kick yours or you simply want to be left alone with your dark thoughts) aren’t too good options. It’s often our loved ones who profoundly suffer when we become unpredictable and just pull away. I didn’t lose my buddies, anyway. Keeping a safe distance from anyone is what everyone of us consider but when we make it clearly known what our intentions and needs are, we don’t have to suffer long and deep.
This is all part of being alive. Emotions are meant to roll through us. Experience it. We’d come through…
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on Saturday, July 4th, 2009 at 9:56 pm Filed under Journey, Psychology, Relationships, Social Issues and tagged depression.
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